Sigh

I feel messed up and wrenched inside. It’s like my heart is racing around doing upside down doodles. I wish it would all stop. I know that it’s my fault, that I run away from problems. I wouldn’t run away that long if it would be over after a while, but the truth is…it’s not. The more I run, the problem increases. Yet when the moment comes, I think that it will decrease when I run away again. But it didn’t. Then the circle repeats.
I suppose it’s my fault that I am this complete social failure. Okay.
Well the truth is, I’m not. I COULD be a socialite if I wanted to, but the thing is I just can’t. When the moment comes, I back out. When I open my mouth or move my hand to do the things I want to do, I’m stopped. It’s like I’m a puppet being controlled by the above.
I don’t understand why I’m capable of doing things, yet I’m unable to do them. It’s just really painful, and I think I feel like dying inside.